A tale of almost
A cycle repeats, then breaks.
You may have noticed a red thread in these past newsletter issues. A questioning of sorts, thinking out loud about career and the market and capitalism. Because like clockwork, year in and year out, around the northern hemisphere’s spring, I feel the telltale signs of burnout.
I wanted to write something uplifting here, something silly and funny that would make you puff some air out of your nose, but alas. It took me a couple of months to breathe in, get my nose stuffed with pollen, and release a long exhale. There is something symbolic here—the renewal of spring bringing internal change or whatever—but I want to write about this repeating almost-burnout, and how this time it led to different conclusions.
You have read here before how the current state of the industry casts a shadow on what was once a dream career for many of us. I find it extremely funny (but in the most unfunny of funnies) that we often look for the reasons for burning out inside our personal sphere, when yes; burnout in practice happens within the limits of what you can control and what you can influence, but context matters (as I’ve said oh so many times here; in different contexts, of course.) I recently had the chance to sit down with amazing women I had never met before to share our career trajectories in a safe space. And even though we worked in very different specialties and had our distinct career paths, we all at some point had burnout because we cared so much. We told ourselves these heroic stories about how we were giving it our best without realizing we were also giving it our physical and mental health, and consequentially our worst. In proving ourselves—which, for any minority group, already means something entirely different than it would for the average dudebro—we forgot that we were human beings with no superpowers and other needs to tend. Once again the narrative of the girlboss who can handle anything herself and takes no shit led that small group of game dev women to recognize themselves in a place of performance; more heroic figure than woman, more badass than caring.
Once more, I felt all of this bubbling in me. Yet this time I stopped myself. Is this the leader I want to be? Do I even want to be a leader? Is this the career story I want to have, a repeated sequence of grinding to the top then losing my health and my peace over it?
I know for a fact I am not alone in reevaluating a career in games in the current times. It’s not inviting. Honestly, it never has been; it always demanded some underlying resilience or stubbornness to keep punching the wall. And in come layoffs, and in come scandals; we punch harder. This is not to say I’m giving up, that I don’t want to work with games anymore—I do. But I looked back before I can look forward, searching for what exactly keeps me in this business, because let’s name it as it is, this is a business. And I came out of my near-burnout with a new understanding of what this profession means to me and how I hope to contribute to it. I’m not going to lay my vision board on you, some things are still worth keeping private, just to say I think I changed. I think I changed a lot.
Which has led me to rethink this newsletter.
Most of the issues are about my personal experiences, and not necessarily the craft of storytelling. Which is fine; it’s the choice I made then. Yet now I’m looking for something else. Less commentary and more creative outlet, perhaps. Which might change what you read here in the future; I hope you choose to stay, but if you don’t, that’s fine.
I’ll see you outside under the sun.
-Maíra
Timeless recommendations:
Read: Dracula Daily, a delightful project that delivers Bram Stoker’s Dracula one entry at a time to your inbox. Dracula is an epistolary novel, with chapters written as dated letters, so they are sent to you in real time. A months-spanning one-book book club, so to speak.
Play: Two games that haven’t left my mind since I played them: Welcome to Elk, a mix of real stories/documentary style set on a weird little fictional island; and Chants of Sennaar, a beautiful language puzzle that makes you feel so smart. Both are available in multiple platforms.
Ooh the almost burnout...
Looking forward to the news that's coming <3